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OPEN AUDITIONS: Majesticpiece Theatre presents DERRIC THE SEVENTH


A tragicomedy by Ralph Turley

Adapted and directed by Johanna Spencer

To be performed Saturday, May 9th at 7:30pm on Facebook Live

Dress rehearsal Friday, May 8th at 7:00pm

Derric the Seventh is an original tragicomedy in one act by local playwright, Ralph Turley. It was the winner of the 2007 Lakewood Theater Playwriting competition. It’s Shakespeare meets Lord of the Rings with a dash of Python. Folks of any race/ethnicity, disability, or gender/gender identity are encouraged to audition. Ralph generously offered his support and the piece and I’m very excited to bring this reworking of his original to the Majesticpiece Theatre. It opens like many tales of this sort, “Once upon a time, in a long forgotten kingdom, lived a king that wished not to be forgotten. This is the story of that king…"

Please choose ONE of the following sides. Record a video on your phone or computer of you reading the side, and email it to by 5PM on Tuesday, May 5th. Feel free to include what role you’re interested in within the body of the email. Some guidelines:

- Perform while seated, trying to frame yourself from the shoulders up. This is what you’ll look like in the video chat during the performance, so we’ll want to see how well you can emote in this limited space.

- Props and costume pieces are encouraged! Whatever you have lying around. Just keep in mind that we can only see your torso and head!

- Actors of any gender, age, race, or ability are invited to audition for any role. We will be casting 12 performers and one Emergency Backup Actor, an understudy for all roles who can hop into the digital performance at any time to cover for another actor who might be experiencing technical difficulties.

- In order to participate in the performance, you’ll need a stable internet connection; a smartphone, computer, or tablet that can run Zoom; and a pair of headphones.

- If you have any questions, feel free to email and ask!


KARLIN - any gender age 16+ - ROYAL FOOL

KNEECAP - any gender age 16+ - CAPTAIN OF THE KING’s GUARD


DERRIC THE SEVENTH - Male identifying - age 16+ - KING OF UTOPA

XANTHON - Male identifying - age 30+ - ROYAL WISEMAN

QWENDOLYN - Female identifying - age 16+ DERRIC’S SISTER

SAFANTHUS - female identifying - age 18+ SOOTHSAYING WITCH

JEZEBEL - female identifying - age 30+ - DERRIC’S MOTHER

RAVINOC - male identifying - age 20+ - VAGABOND STRANGER

NIMROD - any gender age 16+ - THESPIAN THUG

ABATTOIR - any gender age 16+ - THESPIAN THUG

PURPLE AVENGER - male identifying - age 16+ - VIGILANTE HERO


KARLIN: I can sing, dance, gambol like a mad jackanapes.

Juggle balls, swallow swords, make amazing escapes.

I amuse and astound them in every which way.

Yet none, ‘cept for one, hears a word that I say.

That one, exquisite creature, Qwendolyn, milord’s sister.

Oh, a thousand times have I dreamed that I kissed her.

But she is a princess, daughter of a king,

And I’m just a jester, a dumb foolish thing.

I fervently dream of a day I could date her.


(Auditioner can read one or the other or both!)

SHOULDERBONE: You post the guards and check the sentries?

KNEECAP: Check! Secure drawbridge and bar all entries?

SHOULDERBONE: Check! Bring the money you’re to lose?

KNEECAP: Hah! I got the bones, if you got the booze.


KNEECAP: C’mon lucky seven!

SHOULDERBONE: Hah! Snake eyes. Pay up, Cap.

KNEECAP: Lucky swine!

SHOULDERBONE: Double deuce, Cap. Care to double up?

KNEECAP: You’re on! Damn your luck, Bone! You ain’t lost a game all week!

SHOULDERBONE: And you ain’t won one, Cap. See there; a seven!

KNEECAP: It’s uncanny! Unusual! Unnatural!

SHOULDERBONE: You want to quit?

KNEECAP: I wanna know why you’re so bleedin’ lucky.


DERRIC: Bobb the First! He was not born king but he rose to power by pure force of will. Utopa did not exist. The land was ruled by a pair of tyrants in two separate kingdoms. Bobb the First led a rebellion against his oppressor, Shamus the Second. He usurped the throne and rallied Shamus’s troops against their enemy. In the greatest battle ever fought, he defeated the armies of Bruton the Thirteenth, and united both realms under the banner of Utopa. He is known for defeating Shamus the Second and Bruton the Thirteenth. Bobb the First was the greatest hero that ever lived!


XANTHON: His majesty is asleep, and even if he wasn’t, I wouldn’t let you see him. Now be gone, Witch! If I say be gone, then you must be gone! It doesn’t matter what the Queen would say. That meddling female will soon realize that with her husband dead and her son on the throne, she no longer wields the same power she did. Her queenship has been reduced to an honorary advisory capacity, no greater than my own. Oh no! Terribly sorry, My Queen. I didn’t see you there.


QWENDOLYN: You speak it well, but I feel it not. Your love is artificial, preplanned, sweet words to win me over. I think I’ve always known, but couldn’t dare admit it, even to myself. I do know what I’m saying! You don’t love me, and I don’t love you. We both love what we think the other can give us. You’ve all qualities I desire. But I can’t love qualities. I love a person. And the person I love is Karlin. I care not a whit he’s a Fool. If he’ll have me, I’ll be his. You and I shall never marry.


SAFANTHUS: In dark’s evil shroud, black omen approaches

on tiny little feet like vile cockroaches.

Safanthus sees future, Safanthus sees past.

Safanthus isn’t cheap, but Safanthus is fast.

Whiles wallows in witchcraft she says such a sooth

to nurture men’s dreams, or to find their lost youth.

I master men’s mothers. I set their souls free.

I tell folks their fortunes, good ones for a fee.

Mine motive’s suspected in hallowed men’s eye,

So stealth must be meted, the Wiseman draws nigh.


JEZEBEL: How were the prospects? Did you like any of them? Did they like the tarts? It’s like I’ve always told you, the best way to a man’s heart is a hot berry tart. Which did they like best, huckleberry or quince berry? Your father adored Zingin berry. That’s how I caught his eye. He had a weakness for tarts and wine. But your father and I loved each other very much. His family didn’t approve of me at first, but love like that cannot be conquered. Qwendolyn dear, your happiness is all that matters. I would always approve of whoever you chose. I assure you any man worthy of winning your heart will be embraced to the family with open arms ...unless of course he’s a fool.


RAVINOC: Yes you! Derric the Seventh, cruelest abomination that ever called itself man! This is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. This loathsome deed alienates you from all humanity. The entire kingdom will witness in speechless horror as your sweet mother’s head is lowered to the chopping block. As the headsman raises his bloodstained axe! You raise your hand to signal the stroke… Then a stranger appears in the tower beside you! A masked courageous hero! Come to liberate Utopa and save the day. He draws his sword; you draw yours, and thus begins the most dazzling duel ever witnessed by mortal man. The entire kingdom will be rapt in breathless anticipation of the outcome. You lose.


AVENGER: I’m sorry, mother. I didn’t plan it. The arrow missed my heart by a hair's breadth. It would’ve been fatal had I not been immediately rescued by a passing woodsman whose daughter was blessed in healing magic. For months I lingered at the brink of death. When I awoke from delirium, my memory was gone. I was dressed in peasant garb and none suspected who I was.


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